A Woman Should Never Be A General Manager In Baseball

Dear Chuck Armstrong,

I write to you today in much urgency and with much concern. You see, I saw in a news item the other day that the Mariners were heavily interested in Dodger Assistant General Manager Kim Ng for your vacant GM job. Well, i'm here to tell you that such a move would be a huge mistake.

To begin, you know she's a woman, right? In case her first name didn't give her away, I included some pictures to seal the deal. A woman in baseball? Laughable! Come on, Chuck, you know as well as I do that baseball is an old timers game that's old timey!

Besides, it's not like she exactly qualified either. Okay, so she handles the player acquisitions, contract negotiations, club arbitrations, player development, scouting department, and other day-to-day operations, but the important part to remember is that she doesn't even have a penis for godsakes.

I mean, yeah, I guess the Dodgers' farm system has developed well since she took over in 2004, but things haven't been that great. They've got Matt Kemp, James Loney, Chad Billingsley, Jonathan Broxton, Russell Martin, and Clayton Kershaw for the team, but most of those guys listed suck anyway.

And really, who cares that Baseball America named her one of the top general manager prospects in baseball? Seriously, what a joke of a publication. Who takes that fucking rag seriously?

To summarize why she would be a horrible choice, i've included excerpts from an interview she did with Baseball Prospectus. In it, she proves her incompetence beyond a reasonable doubt. In my opinion, her responses should be enough to dissuade anybody from hiring her.

"Baseball Prospectus: How did they come to rely on you to handle arbitration cases? Were you trained for that position in college?

Kim Ng: I had some analytic skills, having come from University of Chicago. But I didn't know about arbitration exhibits, negotiating contracts or anything like that. I had to learn, and I became pretty good at it."

See what I mean? She didn't even know what she was doing when she first started. What a hack! Are we really supposed to believe that she just figured shit out on her own because she's really intelligent? No way, Jose. They just probably felt sorry for her! I think that's the most logical conclusion available.

"BP: It's said that the Yankees were so impressed with your winning the Mariano Rivera case that that's what led to your promotion. How do you try to win a case against a player who might be the best late-inning pitcher in playoff history?

Ng: We were very fair with Mariano in terms of the salary we were offering. We paid him the most that any closer with his service time had received. In arbitration, it's really a question of degree. If you pay a player the most, there's not much more room for you to go."

Yeah, whatever, so she's decent at negotiating. But you know the Yankees only promoted her to be politically correct.

"BP: Let's try this another way. Why do you think you'd be a good candidate for a GM job?

Ng: One of my strongest skills is the decent relationships I have with many agents, players, and other club executives. Someone put it in a really good way: As a GM, you're the conductor of the orchestra--that doesn't mean you need to know how to play every single instrument. But being a good leader, having good communication skills, that's going to take you a long way."

Leadership and communication in an organization? What the fuck is that? Ned Colletti and Kevin Malone would just say, "Hey, you fucking assholes, I want some veterans up in this bitch!" and it would be done. Then they would threaten hecklers like real men.

"BP: How would you go about building your ideal team? What are the basic tenets of your team-building philosophy?

Ng: But a lot of the emphasis I would put would be on scouting and player development. Financial flexibility is the way to succeed, and having great scouting and player development is the best way to achieve that flexibility."

Okay, what the shit is this? Player development? Financial flexibility? Is she really fucking saying she wouldn't have signed Nomar Garciaparra? What would this Dodger team be without his grit and clutchiness? What would this Dodger franchise be without Juan Pierre's gamerness and heart?

You've got to say that this is worse than you ever imagined, Chuck. Relying on young players? What the fuck? Total incompetence. If you hired her, she would do shit like build your farm system so you have an abundance of cost controlled players. Do you really want that? The answer is no. You want more veteran leaders like Carlos Silva and Erik Bedard.

To help you visualize the problem I speak of, I made a graph of what will happen to your franchise if you let her take over.

Chuck, ask yourself if that is what you really want. Do you want less winners like David Eckstein and Craig Counsell? Do you want more losers like Ken Griffey Jr. and Alex Rodriguez? I bet you want winners, and I don't blame you.

"BP: You mentioned working under Brian Cashman, Dan Evans. What was your biggest lesson learned in each of your major league jobs?

Ng: With Brian one of the things I think he's best at is building consensus and a good relationship with the media. With Dan Evans, I have huge respect for his thoroughness and his patience. He's good at waiting for the right deal, trying to get all his options lined up to make the best decision."

Waiting for the right deal? Thoroughness and patience? Fuck no, you have to jump into that free agent market with quickness. If you wait and think about shit, you lose out on free agents like Andruw Jones. Fuck this objective thinking bullshit.

Well, that's the end of the interview, and I assume the end of your quest to hire her. Pretty damning evidence, in my opinion.

But if you need more, also realize that she's never played the game before at a high level. People like that have a bad track record at the GM position, as evidenced by Brian Cashman, Theo Epstein, Andrew Friedman, Mark Shapiro, Bill Smith, Tony Reagins, John Schuerholz, Pat Gillick, Jim Hendry, Walt Jocketty, Josh Byrnes, and Doug Melvin. Fucking hacks.

Did you know that she's also a computer nerd?

"Others, including Afterman, believe the changing GM model – fewer ex-players, more bright Ivy League types – gradually will swing far enough to accept a woman as well. In fact, as one of the early proponents of the computer as baseball’s friend, Ng arguably helped clear a path for the young men being hired ahead of her, many of whom had limited, if any, playing experience, along with those who would be considered her competition for the next opening."

Ignore that positive liberal media bullshit they say about her and concentrate on the fact that she loves computers. DO YOU WANT COMPUTERS MAKING DECISIONS FOR YOU, CHUCK? COMPUTERS?! THEY ARE COMPUTEY! THEY CAN'T CALCULATE HEART AND GRIT AND PASSION!

I'm so exasperated because the Dodgers actually interviewed this "candidate" once, and I can't tell you how glad I am that the franchise hired Ned Colletti instead. When you look at him, doesn't he just emanate brain power? Exactly.

You know you can't hire a feeble, small brained, yellow woman to do a man's job. No sir, you need a strong, powerful, white man for a job of authority. So from the bottom of my heart (and out of kindness), I have chosen to inform you that the mental giant Ned Colletti will be a free agent at the end of this season. That's right, with a little patience, you could have the man who led the Dodger organization to the playoffs this year. Amazing!

Anyway, I wish you the best with Ned Colletti's hiring. I recommend a lifetime deal with a clause saying that he can never come back to the Dodgers. You don't want him to help us again do you? Exactly.

Regards,

kensai

P.S. Logan White isn't a good choice either. Word on the street is that he's addicted to crystal meth and eats small children in his basement. Stay far away from this monster!